Well...

i haven't blogged anything in a really long time. I haven't written any songs in a really long time. Well, I started one I was kind of liking...but I lost my notebook. Again. -_- Oh well. I know people probably don't care, and no one probably reads this anyways. But I guess it's beneficial for my sound peace of mind...which, suffice it to say, has not felt at peace or very sound lately. I've been trying to get my grades up in school, with the threat that if I don't, I will have to transfer to a local public school which is, sad to say, not a very good school. And this is our exam week. But it's pretty much over with. Tomorrow is the last day, and it's only my spanish exam. And spanish is easy. I speak it very well, and I understand. So I'm not really studying. At all. I had an idea for a book, and I might start that over break.

Hmm, heart flutters. Oh boy.

So I like a boy. Go figure. But it's strange. Because it didn't start  out that way. But now I get this flutteries and my stomach does that flip thing when I see him. But he has a date to Twirp. I thought of asking him, but I thought it would be kinda weird. Here's some hints, he's a sophomore (yeah...><)And i also have two classes with him and i sit next to him in one of them.

We could Be Heroes!!
~Moulin Rouge

Frusteration

Yeah, well, I am rather...upset. My dad has not let me see Anita for a very long time, because he thought she was a bad influence. Well, over the summer he tells me that he was reconsidering it, and that he would probably let me hang out with her again. I got my hopes up.  So now I want to go hang out with her and her friend Rachel on friday, and he's saying that he doesn't want me around her. And I brought up the fact that he said, that he was rethinking that. And he said that was before I "went to maranatha bible camp, and became the good little devout christian girl." Kay, first off, when he said that, it made me kind of angry. I don't know why, but it did. He said that he doesn't think it would be good for me to be around anita now, cause she will bring me down, or something like that. He said it was his obligation as a parent to keep me in check with that. I know that he means well, and I appreciate it, however, I disagree. I think that wether something is good for my faith or not is something I work out between me and God. I choose to not have an accountability partner right now, plus, in all honesty, he shouldn't talk much either. He is always swearing, and saying mean things about people he doesn't even know. And I live with him. Anita doesn't really ever swear around me now, and she respects my decisions. Plus, she's changed alot lately. Really, though, it feels that my youth pastor John is more of an accountability partner. He's very encouraging, and he would know wether or not what I'm feeling is justified, or simply out of anger. I'll have to ask him Wednesday. 

Book book book

I'm writing a book about my time in Marantha. That place had such an impact on me, I feel like I should go tell people. Unfortunatly, writing is the only way I know how. Hopefully it will help. In some strange way. I even have a soundtrack for it. It makes me happy. 

Inner Controversy with one of my Teachers

So in Bible we are talking about the church right now. And my teacher is now touching on a subject, and I don't necessarily want to say it's a touchy one, but my teachers approach isn't very...favorable, to me. 

We've been talking about speaking in tongues.  Now, I personally believe that one can speak in tongues. I also go to a charismatic church, so it's something I'm used to, am comfortable, and even embrace. But my teacher is basically saying that it can't be done. My friend can speak in tongues, so she wasn't very happy with what he was saying. He says that speaking died out in the bible times, and all he says is, "In the bible it says..." but never says where in the bible. Wouldn't that be sort of...necessary? You can't just tell people some thing is in the bible. In order for someone to really believe you, I think a specific reference is needed. He NEVER says where. He also states that speaking in tongues is really just jibberish, and isn't real. Well, I completely disagree. It feels that my teacher is very narrow minded.  It's quite annoying, and I need to figure out how to approach this. Many other students that I know are also frusterated with his opinions, and me and my friend, who speaks in tongues, are both rather offended. He was also shooting down (in his own way, not out right completely) that healing services, and the miracles, can't happen. It's really making me aggravated. 

On a brighter note, I'm STILL writing my songs. But these two are taking forever. On one I can't get the right chords, the other I can't the right words. I need my friend from Marantha. 

Oh Goodness...

School is so stressful. I was DUMPED with homework tonight, no joke. So much...this is when I need that peace from God, but it's so hard to find. It really is. And school is when I need it the most. Between sitting through classes that are not the most exciting, walking through cramped hallways that are suffocating, and trying to understand proofs, posulates, theorums, and so much more that goes way over my head. Plus, I've been rather sickly, which isn't helping me in choir! At least in Bible I'm doing a paper and presentation on the book of Jude, which is my FAVORITE book. I think tomorrow I might write about it for a bit. And in English we are going to read the Crucible  which I think looks really good. 

As for my song writing, I'm working on one right now, with a few tributes to other songs that I like. Two are painfully obviouse, the other, maybe not so much. I guess it depends on who you are and what you like. It sounds like crap on my keyboard, so we'll see. 

I'm kind of sad.

So, when I came home from Maranatha, I had this peace, that God had given me. And I'm sad to say I'm starting to lose that peace. I had this peace, fire, and strong desire for God, then I come home, and I'm starting to lose it. I'm starting to feel upset, and stressed again. School doesn't help. It is always so stressful. When I came back, I had a feeling that I would do ok in school, I had this sure fire confidance. And it's starting to go away...it makes me so sad. I was so on-fire, and now I'm losing it. I hope I'm able to figure this out...