Well...

i haven't blogged anything in a really long time. I haven't written any songs in a really long time. Well, I started one I was kind of liking...but I lost my notebook. Again. -_- Oh well. I know people probably don't care, and no one probably reads this anyways. But I guess it's beneficial for my sound peace of mind...which, suffice it to say, has not felt at peace or very sound lately. I've been trying to get my grades up in school, with the threat that if I don't, I will have to transfer to a local public school which is, sad to say, not a very good school. And this is our exam week. But it's pretty much over with. Tomorrow is the last day, and it's only my spanish exam. And spanish is easy. I speak it very well, and I understand. So I'm not really studying. At all. I had an idea for a book, and I might start that over break.

Hmm, heart flutters. Oh boy.

So I like a boy. Go figure. But it's strange. Because it didn't start  out that way. But now I get this flutteries and my stomach does that flip thing when I see him. But he has a date to Twirp. I thought of asking him, but I thought it would be kinda weird. Here's some hints, he's a sophomore (yeah...><)And i also have two classes with him and i sit next to him in one of them.

We could Be Heroes!!
~Moulin Rouge

Frusteration

Yeah, well, I am rather...upset. My dad has not let me see Anita for a very long time, because he thought she was a bad influence. Well, over the summer he tells me that he was reconsidering it, and that he would probably let me hang out with her again. I got my hopes up.  So now I want to go hang out with her and her friend Rachel on friday, and he's saying that he doesn't want me around her. And I brought up the fact that he said, that he was rethinking that. And he said that was before I "went to maranatha bible camp, and became the good little devout christian girl." Kay, first off, when he said that, it made me kind of angry. I don't know why, but it did. He said that he doesn't think it would be good for me to be around anita now, cause she will bring me down, or something like that. He said it was his obligation as a parent to keep me in check with that. I know that he means well, and I appreciate it, however, I disagree. I think that wether something is good for my faith or not is something I work out between me and God. I choose to not have an accountability partner right now, plus, in all honesty, he shouldn't talk much either. He is always swearing, and saying mean things about people he doesn't even know. And I live with him. Anita doesn't really ever swear around me now, and she respects my decisions. Plus, she's changed alot lately. Really, though, it feels that my youth pastor John is more of an accountability partner. He's very encouraging, and he would know wether or not what I'm feeling is justified, or simply out of anger. I'll have to ask him Wednesday. 

Book book book

I'm writing a book about my time in Marantha. That place had such an impact on me, I feel like I should go tell people. Unfortunatly, writing is the only way I know how. Hopefully it will help. In some strange way. I even have a soundtrack for it. It makes me happy. 

Inner Controversy with one of my Teachers

So in Bible we are talking about the church right now. And my teacher is now touching on a subject, and I don't necessarily want to say it's a touchy one, but my teachers approach isn't very...favorable, to me. 

We've been talking about speaking in tongues.  Now, I personally believe that one can speak in tongues. I also go to a charismatic church, so it's something I'm used to, am comfortable, and even embrace. But my teacher is basically saying that it can't be done. My friend can speak in tongues, so she wasn't very happy with what he was saying. He says that speaking died out in the bible times, and all he says is, "In the bible it says..." but never says where in the bible. Wouldn't that be sort of...necessary? You can't just tell people some thing is in the bible. In order for someone to really believe you, I think a specific reference is needed. He NEVER says where. He also states that speaking in tongues is really just jibberish, and isn't real. Well, I completely disagree. It feels that my teacher is very narrow minded.  It's quite annoying, and I need to figure out how to approach this. Many other students that I know are also frusterated with his opinions, and me and my friend, who speaks in tongues, are both rather offended. He was also shooting down (in his own way, not out right completely) that healing services, and the miracles, can't happen. It's really making me aggravated. 

On a brighter note, I'm STILL writing my songs. But these two are taking forever. On one I can't get the right chords, the other I can't the right words. I need my friend from Marantha. 

Oh Goodness...

School is so stressful. I was DUMPED with homework tonight, no joke. So much...this is when I need that peace from God, but it's so hard to find. It really is. And school is when I need it the most. Between sitting through classes that are not the most exciting, walking through cramped hallways that are suffocating, and trying to understand proofs, posulates, theorums, and so much more that goes way over my head. Plus, I've been rather sickly, which isn't helping me in choir! At least in Bible I'm doing a paper and presentation on the book of Jude, which is my FAVORITE book. I think tomorrow I might write about it for a bit. And in English we are going to read the Crucible  which I think looks really good. 

As for my song writing, I'm working on one right now, with a few tributes to other songs that I like. Two are painfully obviouse, the other, maybe not so much. I guess it depends on who you are and what you like. It sounds like crap on my keyboard, so we'll see. 

I'm kind of sad.

So, when I came home from Maranatha, I had this peace, that God had given me. And I'm sad to say I'm starting to lose that peace. I had this peace, fire, and strong desire for God, then I come home, and I'm starting to lose it. I'm starting to feel upset, and stressed again. School doesn't help. It is always so stressful. When I came back, I had a feeling that I would do ok in school, I had this sure fire confidance. And it's starting to go away...it makes me so sad. I was so on-fire, and now I'm losing it. I hope I'm able to figure this out...

All this rain!

This rain is making me sleepy. It's so calming and relaxing.
Really funny, this morning I had to run to church with my grandma. and they had a piano in a spare room down stairs. She was way out in another room talking with the pastor's wife, and I was walking around, checking the place out, since it had been so long since I was there. And I got to the piano, and started playing around, just some chords. I was trying to play really quietly, but I guess they still heard me. My grandma nearly had a fit. She was like, "Oh my word, you are so good! It sounded as if you've been playing all your life!" We walk out, and the pastor's wife was impressed too. They said If I took lessons, I would be an amazing piano player, considering I was already good. It was really funny. I wish I had a real piano.

Hmm, my interpretation on Death??

(Had really good thoughts in the car, and then lost it when I got to the computer)
I am currently reading Stephen Kings, "Pet Sematary." I'm not very far into it, I'm only on chapter 15. However, one thing that the main character, Louis, deals with is death. When his young daughter Ellie goes up the hill and see's the "Pet Sematary" and she begins to feel very sad, and is crying over the fact that she doesn't want her cat, Church to die, or any one. She is simply grieving for the fact that death is a factor of life. But at first she asks about how long cats die, and what not. He tells her that it will be a very long time till Church dies, but Ellie (who is only five) says it doesn't feel like a very long time at all. Here is an excerpt from the book.

"'Honey," he said, "if it was up to me, I'd let Church live to be a hundred. But I don't make the rules."
"Who does?" she asked, and then with infinite scorn:"God, I suppose."
Louis stifled the urge to laugh. It was too serious. "God or Somebody," he said. "Clocks run down-that's all I know. There are no guarentees babe."
"I don't want Church to be like all those dead pets!" she burst out suddenly tearful and furious. "I don't want Church to ever be dead! He's my cat! He's not God's cat! Let God have his own cat! Let God have all the da** old cats he wants, and kill them all! Church is mine!"

It feels to me like we tend to take death for granted, and it takes something special to make it finally hit us as to what it is, what it encompasses. We also don't seem to really know how much someone (or something) means to us, until it dies. Later in the book, Louis deals with a college student who was hit by a car, and ended up dying in his arms. How do we deal with death? What will it take to make us realize what it is, and how it affects us? Death is one thing that mystifies us all. Some say we can never truly know what will happen after death until we die ourselves. I my self am know completly sure as to what will happen when I die. Do you?

So much inspration, So little time! >.<

Wow, I've been so filled with musical inspiration lately, it's unreal! I seriously wrote two songs two days ago, I have a few others, and I'm writing one right now. Ever since Maranatha, my mind for nature has changed, and my mind for music has changed too. I should talk about my "flower experiance from Maranatha. 

I was talking to one of my friends that I made their. We were out side the "Sweet Shop" and I saw these little white flowers in a bush. (This was after I was "re-saved", as I like to call it.><) So I was talking to him, and staring at these flowers. Something kept telling me, 'Pick them, Pick them, see what they smell like!' Unable to hold it in any longer, I bent over and picked a little bundle, and smelled them. They seriously smelled like fruit loops! I was so happy! I said, "Spencer, smell these! They smell like Fruit Loops!" He smelled them, and he agreed. I went inside the Sweet Shop, and found John. I told him about the flowers, and he agreed with me too! He thought it was really cool. But we were the only ones that thought they smelled fruity. So I went back and picked a ton more, (I hope the gardener didn't notice...^_^;;) And Me, John, and Megan all went down to the beach. The whole time I just sat there smelling the flowers, and feeling them on my face. Sitting on the beach, at night, I told John, "These are pleasing to all my senses, except taste. But I'm not about to taste it." And he told me i should try it. At first I was like...ok no, that's weird. But then, that voice said again, said to do it. So...i did. And they were sweet tasting! It was incredible. So the next day, we walked to the lobby, cause John (and I) was curious as to what kind of flowers they were. We asked the ladies at the desk, showing them the flowers, and she didn't know. So we were like, ok whatever. So we sat on the couch, just talking, John was reading some passages out of the Bible, (which were cool, by the way) when the lady working the front desk told me she found my flower! I was really suprised, cause I didn't even realize she was looking. It was very kind of her. We found out they were called Verbena. So John was curious once again, and wanted to know what verbena ment. To see if it would have any spiritual meaning. We found it on wikipedia. We read alittle, and found out that it was once of the herbs used to staunch the wounds of Jesus after he was crusified, and they were preparing his body for the tomb!! It was so cool. John and I were freaking out! Also, superstitious people, a long time ago, would either have these flowers with them, or put them in tea, to keep away vampires. But we were so excited! It was so awesome. God does some really weird things, but they're so cool.  I just wish Megan was more excited by the flowers than she was. 

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Verbena 

That's the page with the flower. if you look under human cultures, that's what we read. 

How I became a new person.

I had an epiphany last week while staying at a place called Maranatha in Northern Muskegeon. I was talking to a friend named John. He told me that..."If I look for the truth I will find it. I will always see the truth through the lies. And that there are somethings that we were not ment to understand, cause we're only human." (Although he said it better) And that seriously hit me. Like it was ment to mean something just to me. (Even though I'm sure it means something to someone else.) But I was thinking about it alot after talking to him. I talked to his older brother Peter, and he said that the deep thoughts about God and faith is new for John. He said he's NEVER seen this in John before. But as I thought about it, I kept thinking about the whole creation/evolution thing that I constantly struggle with. And I realized, at least for me, that everything needs faith. Even evolution. It had to come from somewhere. So I figure, if I'm going to have a faith, I'm going to have faith that God created everything. So last week, I'v decided to rededicate my life to God. And every time I start thinking about, I almost start crying. So anyways, I went back and I talked to Jon. Mostly just to let him know that what he said really really hit me emotionally and spiritually. Then I jetted out of his room, straight next door to ours, sat in the bathroom and just cried and prayed for about 15 minutes. I guess you could say I'm a newly refurbished Jesus Freak! ^_^ And you know...believing in God completely is so much better than relying on science. My thinking is...God gave us science. And plus, somewhere in the Bible it says that when God created the world, it was already "Aged." So...wouldn't that throw off the carbon...thingies? Anyhow, i think I'v finally filled the void that's been in me for a while. I feel like I have a real purpose for living now. I'll still study science cause...come on, it's just too cool. But...I'll look at it so much differently now.